Dread

This is the worst topic. Schizophrenia at its worst, and I've heard this from other people, and agree, is despair. Dread is void of any hope, and schizophrenics are touched by this low-vibing dirt farmer everyday.

What I know about desperation is its refusal mostly. Usually drugs don't work for us. They might for as long as they make you tired, and the voices may become a lower murmur, but they're there. So, I think it's important for me to do as much research as I can and try and troubleshoot my problem. It means I have to hit it harder than I ever hit anything in my life, because my life depends on it. People depend on me.

I've attempted suicide maybe a handful of times in my life, but one time left me wondering why I was still here. I put a 3 1/4" nail in my head with pneumatic nail gun up all the way. I was life-flighted. It didn't hurt. I don't feel stupider hehe. The problem with it is it deepened this real suspicion that I'm dead and don't know it. I've almost died a bunch of times. So, when that happened, it drove the nail in deeper. I'm pinned. I'm tough as nails. Bad jokes, etc.

So I know dread, and I don't like it, because it says any good thing I do is futile, and only an evil person would want me touched by that in some way. So, if there's any knee-jerk get away from me Satan bones in my body, it's to fight dread. I hate it. I really hate it in my soul.

Desperation is refusal to act in good faith, and right action. It's refusal to search for God. Never let anyone tell you it's hopeless and forlorn. We can't accept it.